I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
