i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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