i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
