you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
