Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
