Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
