I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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