i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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