I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
