dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
