I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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