my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
