You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
