Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
