I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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