So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
