How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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