The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
