I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
