Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
