Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
