i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
