he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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