I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
