Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
