She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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