A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
