seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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