It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
