What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
