i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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