Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
