I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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