Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
