If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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