You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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