it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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