forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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