This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
