we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
