im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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