dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
