i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
