dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
