Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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