Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
