First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
