also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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