goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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