Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my liver is dry heaving
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
