ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
