Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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