I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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