cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
