Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I wear drunk well.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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