Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
