WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
