do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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