I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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