If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Rumble strips road head = magical
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize