Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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