Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
