i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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