Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
