Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
