I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
